Hope y’all are good this post was meant to go up last month on the anniversary of his death but I chickened out, plus I needed a moment to come up with the words to write down how my life has changed since his death, cause am not good at expressing my feelings unless am under the influence than am a chatterbox. So here goes….
They are three months in a year that I will always have anxiety attacks in the first month is the month you died,because it will be a constant reminder you’re not here the next one is the one you were born in cause it will tell me your not celebrating your birthday or growing old and lastly it is my birth month because it will always remind me that life has moved on without you,to tell you the truth I have those attacks almost everyday or when I catch myself wanting to text you,I cry on impulse now, since your death broke apart of me I can’t it turn off anymore,you knew how easy it was for me to turn off my emotions I can turn everything else off now but I can’t stop the crying on impulse.
I never had to experience losing someone close to me, I have lost people during the course of my life but I never seemed to grasp that concept of it yes we were close but it never used to hit me like your death hits me on occasion, I have had a friend tell me that I have walls my heart, but that is always true just now they with reinforced steel, you were one of the few people who saw through the mask I put on, I have had to learn how to live without you they too hold my hand to catch me when I fall or listen to my ramblings.
I went home last year in dec,It was bitter-sweet, I loved being home but I was sad, you were one of the reasons I was coming home that year, but being around the places we used to hangout, it was like walking through memory lane,I would go to eat in new places I knew would love and you would always pop in my head. Being home made me accept your death and come terms with and kinda say goodbye, I will always love home but I don’t think I will be living there in the future.
I am going to try new things and have new experiences with you in mind because I know with every step in life till the day we meet again you are going to be with me.
Rest in Peace, your gone but never forgotten,
I love you and Miss you for the rest of my life
Song of the blog: Burial: Seinabo Sey
Signing out Ramblings of a Kenyan Girl